culturehole.com

Being a nerd is hard work. Despite this, I give you top of the line humor every week! I do the work so you don’t have to.

Anyway, here’s an article:

D&D player classes that didn’t make the cut.

• Balloon Mage
• Barbarian Caterer
• News Anchor
• Tall Dwarf
• Shoe Mender
• Dude
• Book Binder and his nemesis Book Debinder
• Elf Bricklayer
• Cheesemaster
• Ork Whore
• Muffler Repair Wizard
• Elfstronaut
• Unemployed
• Video Game Wizard and Pinball Wizard
• Goat Thief
• l33t dr00id
• Dwarf Zamboni Operator
• Photographer
• Interpretive dancer
• Telephone Repairman
• Magic Loser
• Dwarf Tosser
• Baseball All Star

Dear Adam,

I recently read about the position for toxicology Report writer in the Canadian Job Bank and I was more than interested in it.

A career in regulatory toxicology report writing has been a dream of mine as early as I can remember.

As a child, growing up between the hedgerows of the summer baked shores of Victoria BC, I would lay back, my head in the sand, dreaming of anatomic pathology and plasma compositions. This dream was never realized, as I went to school and failed every biology class I took.

Sadly, I took up art instead. Art college led me to believe I would one day grow up and leave behind my foolish dreams of toxicology report writing. They claimed that a career in toxicology report writing would be anything but useful. “A dying field” they boasted as they slowly drew closed theirs rough hands around my wallet squeezing out every last penny. “Stick with art, be smart” was their motto; almost a war cry at times.

A successful career in graphic design during the late 90’s led me to believe perhaps that they were right all along; and I could finally leave behind the dreams of youth and peruse the lucrative career I was destined to succeed in.

Then came CSI. That show ruined my life. Glorifying the life of a toxicology report writer, and reopening the festering infected wounds of a lost youth, spent wasted in pursuit of money and power instead of fulfilling my dreams.

This was about the time the drinking set in. My blood alcohol level was at a constant .043, .062 on the weekends. I was desperate for quick solutions and diluted my cohesive thoughts with cannabis at levels exceeding 14 milligrams a day, blood levels exceeding 2ppm, showing a drop in white blood cells by 12% compared to the average male my weight and build. I was a wreck, my iron intake was 14% lower than normal, and I was not receiving adequate vitamin D. Hemodilutuon was noted due to lack of mobility and general laziness. In short my blood told me I needed to write about blood. How can you ignore your own blood?

It is for this reason I feel I would be an excellent fit for the position and a team player. I already have a lab coat.

Thank you for your time.

Joel Friesen

Goggle Ad-libs! did you know goggle does wild card searches? Use * in place of words in a phrase, and watch the comedy write itself!

Google tells us about:

Bathroom Etiquette

“I * to poop, but”
…I had to poop but I had my hands full of bags.
…I still needed to poop but I didn’t want to miss my bus.
…I knew he needed to poop but he doesn’t get to it right away.

“I don’t * the toilet”
…I don ’ t know who designed the toilet seats , but they seem to be better fitted for gorillas than humans.
…I don’t mind dumping it everytime into the toilet but do I actually have to rinse it everytime too?
…I don’t mean the toilet but the performance of the singers!
…I don’t know if he can best the Flamingo Toilet Plungers but he can have fun trying!
…I don’t push her to go on the toilet, but I ask regularly if she wants to.

“I normally * the bathroom, but”
…I normally keep it in the bathroom but I decided that the bedroom is better, I go in there less and therefore it is not in my face when I go to pee.

Love & Hate

“I love * , but”
…I love pasta. But I don’t love waiting for a huge pot of water to boil to cook it!
…I love Latifa! But I’ll wait for the DVD

“I hate * , but”
…I hate spam but I defend the right of spammerz to spread thier sh!t around.
…This Blog was previously known as “Why I Hate Humanity” but the antipsychotic medication seems to have kicked in.
…i hate mylegs, but they just keepgettingbuy viagra online cheap.

People named George

“George is a * , but”
…In Canada, George is a statistician. But in China, George is Elvis
…George is a smart guy, but entomology and disease certainly isn’t his field
…George is a man, but he was raised by animals, and he can speak their language
…George is a monkey, but he is also a metophor for children everywhere.

Sex

“i don’t like * sex, but”
…I don’t like to talk about sex, but I think I am wearing my husband out!
…I don’t like watchin’ people havin’ sex but there is nothing odd!
…I don’t like having unprotected sex with guys but I made an exception
…I don’t like gay sex. But I don’t like broccoli either, and I can’t make that illegal.

“i * weird sex, but”
…I want weird sex but I’m afraid to say anything because I appear in videos.
…I have weird sex but my hair never look so good right after.

Law

“I * police, but”
…i called police but I kept getting a tape.
…I called police but they never showed up
…I phoned the police but was told that they weren’t in the area
…i called da police but the line was busy the bugs were eating a grizzly

“I * laws, but”
…I break traffic laws but I am a responsible rider and I ride safe.
…I agree with leash laws but where we live very few people obey the law
…I will obey no laws but me own. I’m gonna create my own gods and devils.

Are you ready for EXTREME ACTION? Are you ready to get a face full of asphalt? ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH?

Get ready for the ride of your life, old farts, with EXTREME SEGWAY!

The challenging game of balance and coordination.  (more…)

My internal dialogue as I try and figure out what will I do with my time.

• Shit! A meteor… I have to do something!
• online checkers? no.
• I could try out that Thai restaurant I’d regret not going to.
• Shit! I should return my copy of ER volume 3 to the video store… They can’t charge a late fee, can they?
• I could watch it again.
• Have a nap? may as well…
• Learn a some card tricks!
• Write an angry letter to the government stating my displeasure at being in the brunt of a meteor, and buy stamps.
• I’ve always wanted to make photo copies of my butt. In 5 hours I could get a lot of copies.
• Rent a car? Yeah. but not the Ford… I’ll get something nice like a Mercury. And a CD player! On my credit card! hah, suckers.
• Read a book? what if i don’t finish it…
• Read a Kids book?
• I still have that ER Volume 3 DVD…
• Crossword?
• what’s on TV? Oh yeah, meteor coverage.
• Why didn’t I get cable? 5 channels of meteor is not good TV

*Plugs in ER Volume 3.

• “ALF” in German pronounced out loud is “Up”. The Germans never understood why that direction was so important to the show.
• The frequencies ALF speaks in directly resonate with the frequencies German TV sets are designed to self-destruct in.
• In the show ALF kept attacking, and trying to eat the cat. The Germans never understood why the father never put a muzzle on ALF or restrained him using a leash.
• Alf is an acronym in Germany for “AufLiberFrugzgarten”. A version of the boy scouts. ALF was viewed as a caricature for small children, it was never understood why he ate cats.
• ALF’s short stature and fur made him difficult to take seriously, which the show was advertised as… Sort of a German version of “Dawson’s Creek”.
• The actor who played the Father in ALF was looked exactly like German actor Gunheim Koontz. Famous for playing the villain in a German kids show “Kunky and the Gunfhaarts” where Gunheim plays a personified toilet stain.
• ALF was up against Germany’s first hit reality TV show “Whas In der ufenfauxhaufflaven, Ist un Gumharden?!?” or in English loosely translates to “What’s in the box, are you Stupid?!?”
• ALF the video game for the Nintendo, was a rip off of Burger Time, the game Germans hold most dear.
• They never showed the the legs of the characters in any one episode, this is a social mistake, as the legs of Germans are an important body language indicator and a key to giving the character’s motivation and cues to the characters likes and dislikes.
• Guen Stefani, Germany’s favourite pop star, never made an appearance.
• Financial Planning is important to Germans. ALF never shed light on the trappings of a middle class Americans’ financial decisions with a dependent alien.
• Not enough fingers on ALF. A German superstition, like the number 13 here.
• No leather clothing.
• No Nudity

Difficulty: 7

• Lobster
• Ocelot
• Centipedes
• Platypus
• Capybara
• Echidna
• Kinkajou
• Okapi
• Tarsier

Difficulty: 1

• Snakes

Robots are the coolest things that walk on two metal legs and have laser beams for eyes. Unlike cellphones, robots have a cool factor that increases proportionally to the size of the robot. Add on some grasping pincers, and explosives and you have one awesome machine.

Today I present to you a small list of my favorite robot sites.

Steamwars - If electricity hadn’t been discovered, this would be what a robot would look like today.

Gigantor Movie - Gigantor the space aged robot from the 1960s cartoons is now going to be in a live action film. It looks like fun!

Plustech’s Forest Walker - Like a bulldozer with 6 legs, and a saw instead of a scoop.

Asimo - Honda’s Asimo is everyone’s favorite walking robot. Now he can run.

Robot Diary - Robot Frank and his ubiquitous pal Red Robot log their adventures.

Diesel Sweeties - Red robot makes guest appearances in one of the funniest webcomics about robot love.

• Castaway:
  
• Canon ball run:
  
• Animal House:
  
• Babe:
  
• Pet Cemetery:
  
• Lost Boys:
  
• Night of the living Dead:
  

• A Dangerous Mind:
  
• Top Gun:
  
• Day of the Triffids:
  
• Capricorn 1:
  
• The Matrix:
  
• Revenge of the Nerds:
  
• Frankenstein: