Culture Hole

Wow. I am stunned. No, shocked that this has happened.

Through some connections with a friend of a friend who works a Lucas ILM, and my uncanny ability to impersonate just about anyone I please, I was granted an email interview with George Lucas!

My friend got me in touch with his personal handler and I was able to convince her that I worked for a major online magazine about pop culture, actually this one. She bought it and after telling me Georgie was too busy to take an interview by phone, she said he would be able to answer all my questions in an email.

This amazes me still. I can’t believe I got through to him, and I still can’t believe I actually convinced him to grant me the interview! Wow.

So without further interruption, here is George Lucas:

CH: Thank you for taking the time to write to me, I appreciate it.

GL: You’re welcome, it’s my pleasure.

CH: Recently you released yet another version of the original 3 Star Wars movies with some changes. Can you describe what these changes are, and why you chose to mess with them?

GL: This is a question I am most often asked but usually it’s done with a bit more tact. I can honestly say that the changes are not a form of tampering.

When I make a film I have a clear vision about what I want, and as technology advances, the ability to modify films becomes easier. I want to capatilize on this and create a film that’s as close to my original vision as I can possibly make. Even if this means I have to make several versions. These recent changes are the best yet. The closest final version I have to the movie that plays in the theater of my mind.

CH: One of the changes that got the loudest fan outcry is the dropping of Sebastian Shaw in place of Hayden Christensen, who plays Anakin in the newest Star Wars film. In the original Return of the Jedi Shaw played the ghost of Vader in the final scene, he has been viciously erased and replaced with Christensen. Can you explain why you did this and why you’d rob the late Shaw of his only film roll?

GL: I sense a lot of animosity in your line of questioning, I can sympathize, but I can’t understand why you had such fond attachments to what you refer to as the “original” Star Wars film and what I now call my rough cut. Christensen was added in post production for the purpose of creating continuity between all our films. This was all part of the original plan.

CH: Is this the final version? You won’t make another version 10 years down the road when newer technology comes out will you?

GL: I feel that the movies I presented today have only achieved half of what I envisioned. I can’t wait till future digital technology becomes available and I can really create the Star Wars masterpiece I was destined to make. I want to have more of a consistency between all of my films, not just the Star Wars trilogy and the latest films, but with THX1138, Indiana Jones, and American Graffiti. I want to use those films as a vehicle to explain some of Star Wars’ origins. I’d also include bit of them in the Star Wars movies.

CH: What type of changes do you see making in the future? Can you be specific?

GL: I am a huge fan of continuity in my films. My friend Steven Spielberg supports me in my drive to make all my films meld together into one huge epic. In fact it was his idea to put the E.T.’s in the Phantom Menace.

I’m using the next version of Star Wars to help explain the origin of some of his characters like Jaws for instance. I’m going to have a new bounty hunter with a shark for a head and that should help explain to the fans where Jaws came from. Also I’ve hinted at the origin of Indiana Jones in Star Wars, but this time I’m going to make it a bit more obvious. Instead of Han shooting Greedo, He’ll use a whip. This will suggest that Han is a distant ancestor of Indiana. Other origins I’m going to explain are Nazis from Schindler’s List, the aliens in Close Encounters, and the truck in Duel will be a vehicle on Mos Isley.

CH: Do you see Star Wars as a vehicle for taking fans on a mystical journey or, like a ride on a bus, a privilege for those who can’t afford a car.

GL: I really don’t like the tone of questioning you have presented me. I feel at like any great piece of unfinished art, there will be those who can’t see the artists vision and simply ignore him, and those who will latch on to a version that in their mind represents closest to their idea of the finished piece and are shocked when their idea is changed or discarded.

People complain and feel that the version of the film they watched as a kid is perfect. I feel it was rough and unfinished. Can’t they understand that the effects I used in that film were just placeholders for something bigger and more exciting? The Tie fighters are nothing more than hollowed out plastic balls! Who would think I could leave them in there as they are? I am only half finished with these films. ILM is currently working on Holographic effects that will blow the doors off today’s rendering techniques. This technology will unfortunately not allow for human actors so I will have to replace all my characters with droids, as I had originally planned in 1977.

CH: Do you ever sympathize with the fans? Do you feel that maybe you have to cater to them just a bit?

GL: In catering to any audience you water down your original vision. Water it down with a filthy sticky kind of water that sticks to you and is a breeding ground for bacteria. I don’t want to be infected with the fans filthy bacterial brackish goo. My movies are for me, and they’re mine. I didn’t make American Graffiti to sell movie tickets; I made it as an incomplete kids film. I’ll be replacing all the characters in that film with dogs in the new version. That was my original plan.

I want to impress upon you that I have never made a film to be enjoyed by anyone other than me. As my tastes change so should my films.

CH: How do you defend the allegations that many of your new characters are simply in the film for the purpose of endorsing it? I mean come on, Jar-jar? Isn’t that just an excuse to sell kids toys?

GL: I can defend that easily enough. I think the sales of Jar-jar related items are enough to speak for themselves. Obviously Jar-jar wasn’t intended to be loved. He was not a character placed into the film simply for laughs. Jar-jar is a well rounded and fleshed out character that evolves as the series progresses. Jar-jar becomes crucial to the development of Anakin into Darth Vader.

I won’t say in what capacity he is vital to the destruction of Anakin, but I think many of you fans will be surprised!

CH: Do you have any plans for projects after the last shred of decency has eroded away from your skeletal finger and the last and final ticket buying fan has shelled out $25 for a Chinese knock off DVD of the star wars trilogy they saw as a kid instead of buying another one of your upgrades?

GL: Steven and I are working on updating Indiana Jones. Thank you for the interview.

CH: thank you for your time, I wish you the best of luck with Star Wars Version 2.5