Dear Denise,
Allow me the pleasure of introducing myself to you. I am Joel the Talking Dog. Though I am not actually a real talking dog, (Like a Labrador or a pit-bull) but am in fact a professional entertainer that dresses in a dog suit and answers questions posed from the audience in a manor that would be expected from the likes of a dog that talks.
To describe my act: I wear a home-made dog suit and interact with the public on a one-on-one basis. The suit I wear is a non-flammable cotton “Alabama-fur” painted brown and can be generally descried as a bull dog type of suit, with a red nose and large button eyes. This suit is animal friendly and kid friendly, as well as loveable and adorable. While wearing this special suit I would stand in front of a sign that says “Incredible Talking Dog - Just ask a Question” Then I patiently wait for my fans to approach me while I act as a dog would, panting, howling, licking myself and scratching myself. (In my “adult” act I would also try to hump your leg, but that is for a different event) Then when people gather around I answer their questions!
For instance, If a member of the audience were to ask me what I like best about a tree I would say “BARK!” or if the audience member asks me about housing construction or specifically what part I like best about housing construction I would answer “ROOF!”.
This line of question and answer does limit my responses. If a fan wants to know about the theory of relativity or such a difficult question to answer such as “Where do babies come from?” (like a smart alek teenager did last year during an open air festival I volunteered at) or “why has my boyfriend left me, what did I ever do to him?” I usually scratch my ear and pretend to lick my crotch, like a real dog. (in a family safe manor, I don’t make grunting noises, that’s for the “adult” act) This is enough to satisfy their curiosity and get a few chuckles out of the dog owners in the audience, giving them a chance to think of a more appropriate question.
I’m glad to present you with this offer for my employment. I have worked in retail and sales for over four years. I’m good with people and great with kids and animals. I’m a charismatic and likeable person, and I am very very confident that I would be a great addition to your establishment. I’m hard working and eager to please. Please let me know if you would like my services or not.
The audience loves the act, and I am only so pleased to present them with the high value of entertainment that I try my hardest to give them each and every day.
- “He answered my questions, just like a real dog!” - Penny Lark, North Toronto Kennel Club
- “Hilarious, I had fun!” - John, North Toronto Kennel Club
- “As good as the real thing! [as good as a real dog -ed.]” - James Warren, North Toronto Kennel Club
Thank you for your time,
Joel Friesen
